Warning Signs of Spousal Abuse
The lists below, adapted from materials developed by Sandy Moravec, a psychotherapist and certified domestic violence counselor, highlight behaviors that suggest a controlling or potentially dangerous situation.
Behaviors in italics suggest the need for immediate help.
These behaviors suggest a controlling relationship:
- Your partner continually monitors your time and makes you account for every minute (when you run errands, visit friends, commute to work, etc.).
- Your partner accuses you of having affairs with other men/women or acts suspicious that you are.
- Your partner is rude to your friends.
- Your partner calls you names or curses at you.
- Your partner belittles you for your race, age, gender, education, abilities, or ideas.
- Your partner humiliates you in private or in public.
- Your partner discourages you from starting new friendships.
- Your partner’s apologies are followed with retractions or fault finding: “I’m sorry, but you made me do it because you __________.” “I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t __________.”
- You feel isolated and alone, as if there is nobody close to confide in.
- Your partner tells you that you’ll never “make it” without him/her, or that no one would ever want you.
- Your partner is overly critical of daily things such as, your appearance, your posture, your income, your accomplishments, etc.
- Your partner demands a strict account of how you spend money.
- Your partner has threatened to kick you out, or call the police, your family, your boss, or Social Services, if you disagree or refuse to go along with what she/he wants.
- Your partner has blocked your freedom of movement, i.e. blocking a doorway, taking your keys, taking your distributor cap, etc.
- Your partner is disturbed by your working or by the thought of you working.
- Your partner pressures you for sex much more often than you’d like.
- Your partner becomes angry if you don’t want to go along with his/her requests for sex.
- Your partner has threatened to take the kids so that you’ll never see them again.
- Your partner has played “mind games” or made you think you were crazy.
- Your partner has treated you like a servant.
- Your partner has “gotten in your face” (yelling or threatening 2 or 3 inches from your nose) when angry.
These behaviors suggest a dangerous or potentially dangerous situation:
- Your partner’s moods change radically, from very calm to very angry.
- Your partner has gotten out weapons (guns, knives, etc.) to look at, to clean, or to play with when you are having an argument.
- Your partner has physically restrained you.
- Your partner becomes angry more easily if he/she drinks or uses drugs
- You have had to leave your home because you were frightened of your partner’s behavior.
- Your partner blames you for his/her own acts of violence.
- Your partner has struck you with his/her hands or feet (slap, punch, kick, etc.).
- Your partner has struck you with an object.
- Your partner has threatened you with an object or weapon.
- Your partner has threatened to kill either himself/herself or you.
- Your partner is obsessed with you, unwilling to let you go.
- Your partner follows you to work, to school, or repeatedly calls to check on where you are.
- There are holes in your walls, doors off hinges, or telephones ripped out of the wall.
- Your partner has given you visible injuries such as welts, bruises, cuts, lumps on the head.
- You have had to treat with first aid an injury from his/her violence.
- You have had to seek professional aid at a medical clinic, doctor’s office, or hospital emergency room for an injury caused by your partner.
- Your partner has hurt you sexually or forced you to have intercourse.
- Your partner is violent toward children.
- Your partner has choked you or pulled you by your hair.
- Your partner has been violent toward people outside your home and family.
- Your partner has thrown you, or tried to throw you, down, or into a wall, or into a kitchen counter, etc.
- Your partner has twisted your arm, tripped you, or bit you.
- Your partner has attacked the sexual parts of your body.
- Your partner has hurt or threatened to hurt pets.
- Your partner has intentionally destroyed your property.
- Your partner throws objects or breaks things when angry.
- Your partner has been in trouble with the police.
- Your partner has said that if he/she can’t have you, no one else will.
- You have called the police or tried to call them because you felt you or other members of your family were in danger.